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Everybody in this story is over 18.
I close the door and lean against it in despair. Slowly I slide down on it with my back and bury my face in my hands. The sensation of his kisses still lingers on my lips and I press them together to push back the tears. I feel like an absolute fuck up right now. Why would I do that? Why would I ruin our friendship like this?
My thoughts create a dangerous tornado of emotion in my head that keeps me from sleeping and just has me tossing myself around in my bed for hours. Suddenly I see all of our joint experiences in a different light.
I remember when I met him five years ago, at a college party. He had short hair at the time and was still wearing his nose ring. After he got with Kayla he took it out because she doesn't like it. I do, I like it on him. I remember our first conversation and how I was immediately drawn to his humor and his laugh.
I remember the first time we went on vacation together and had to share a bed. One morning after getting absolutely wasted I woke up with him in my arms. We were clothed and laughed about it afterwards but I can't seem to remember what happened that night. It seemed like we changed after that. We hung out more and there was basically no week where we wouldn't see each other.
Maybe the only reason why we never talk about our feelings or anything emotional for that matter is because we were running from ourselves. Because we were scared of facing what was between us the entire time…
I sigh and push my head into my pillow. Why does it have to be this complicated? Then I turn around and a deep sadness settles in my chest. It doesn't matter anyways, I ruined whatever we had tonight.
And still the thought doesn't leave me. That maybe there was something there all along. I have to figure out what I really want from him…and what I really want from myself even more. And I will need a distraction…
So I decide to download grindr. I want to see if I'm just weirdly attracted to him or if I'm into men in general. I never gave that much thought, I was happy with having girls over and I don't want anything serious, so it never mattered. But it does now. I need to figure this out.
I upload pictures with no face on them and use a fake name, just in case any of my friends come upon this. You never know. The first messages I get are vain and vulgar. Even though I'm looking for something casual and to experiment I don't feel the approach of just sending unsolicited pictures. One guy asks me if I would let him lick my feet and step on him for twenty bucks. Without any "Hi" or "How are you?". Is this how women feel on dating apps? I make a disgusted face and put my phone back on my nightstand. That wasn't what I was hoping for.
I decide to delete it in the morning and wait for sleep to catch up with me. When it finally does I have weird dreams about my memories with Connor and the situation that played out tonight. In the morning I feel like I didn't sleep at all and roll out of bed completely exhausted and still tired.
It gets a little better after I get out of the shower but now I'm hit with the reality of yesterday night. And it doesn't feel good. I pick up my phone, tempted to text Connor and apologize again, but I'm distracted by grindr. Right, I installed that last night. I get ready to delete it but then something catches my eye. Two guys actually started a conversation without being gross right off the bat. I decide to at least give one of them a chance before I uninstall.
His profile says his name is Chris and I'm immediately convinced that I'm being catfished. Chris is crazy handsome, even taller than me and fit, and his Bio says he's working on a PhD in social studies. That can't be true, right? Why would a guy like that be single? He looks great in his pictures, his short, silver dyed hair slicked back and dimples on his cheeks when he smiles. One of the pics is by a pool and shows off his amazing body.
I open the chat he started and type: "I deeply hope you're not a catfish, because I'd make a fool of myself if I invited you over then."
Right after I send it I wonder if it's too forward, but soon a message comes up. It's a selfie of him eating breakfast in what looks to be a nice apartment. He captioned it: "Catfish control photo for your pleasure."
I look at the photo and have to wonder what the hell could be wrong with him that he's on an app like this. His smile is so nice that it almost makes me smile through the screen.
"Now I'm convinced that you're just gonna murder me, why would a 10/10 like you be on grindr of all things?" I text and send a pic with my face, so he knows I'm real as well. As the next message pops up I get goosebumps.
"Because if I wasn't I'd miss out on 12/10s like you who don't know how far out of my league they are. But we could meet at a public spot if you want to make sure I won't murder you lol."
A guy that hot thinks I'm out of his league? I blush a little, he definetely is charming. Another message pops up.
"I hope it's okay if I'm straightforward. I'm a top and I'd like to know if the 'experimenting' in your Bio meant you'd bottom."
I hesitate. I have never really done anything with my ass but upon the memory of how it felt when Connor fingered me I think that I might not be opposed to that idea.
"I've never done it before but I would like to try." I reply and my heart beats faster as I realize what I just agreed to.
"Nice, are you free later?"
"I am, you could come over at 5 if you'd like to."
I take a deep breath and give him my adress. That went much faster than I expected. Then I shift a little and get back out of bed. Even though I'm still not sure about the whole bottoming thing I should at least be prepared. And so I get back in the shower and start shaving and washing myself as good as I can.
Afterwards I realize what a mess I left in the kitchen last night and I basically spend the rest of the time I have until he comes over with cleaning and getting ready. As I get to the living room and have to put the blanket back in place an uncomfortable feeling hits me like a wave. I look at the spot where Connor and I kissed yesterday and my stomach sinks again. I try to shake it off, no thinking about him today.
Exactly at five my doorbell rings and my heart is beating so fast I'm scared that it might explode. I open the door and there he is.
Chris looks even better in real life which has to be a once in a lifetime occurance when it comes to dating apps. He's wearing a long grey coat and his nose is a little red from the freezing cold outside.
"Hey, come in." I say with a shakey voice. He must be like 6' 5 at least since he has to bend down a little to get through the door.
As he gets rid of his coat he reveals a light blue button down shirt and black cargos, making his fit, slender body look even more delicious. He notices my look and raises an eyebrow.
"Do you run?" I ask and he gives me a wide smile. I can't help but feel nervous with that, his entire appearance makes me nervous.
"Yeah I do. When I saw your pictures I figured that you must know a lot about fitness. Are you an athlete?"
I blush. "N- no. I'm working for a real estate company. I go to the gym frequently though."
He nods and for a second we just stand there awkwardly. I don't really know what to do, I've never had an online appointment for sex with a stranger before.
"You…want to watch a movie or something?" I ask.
"Sure."
So we sit down on the couch and I let him choose the movie. He decides on horror and I realize that I should have chosen myself because I'm extremely easy to scare and will probably look like an idiot now. But I don't want to be a pussy so I just tell him that it's fine.
"This is a nice place, by the way, Patrick." He utters the name I put as mine on the app and then puts one arm around me. I feel his big, manly hand gently stroking my shoulder and tense up. Maybe this was a bad idea after all, I think.
"My real name is Tyler." I mumble in a little bit of embarassment. "I changed it because of…
anonymity reasons. You see, I'm not gay, I just want to experiment a little…that's why I didn't want anybody to find out."
He looks at me with a pondering gaze. His eyes are so light blue they almost look white and they are framed by long, black lashes that give his face an elegant, seductive touch. "Not to be rude but I don't really care." He answers. "You asked me over to have sex and if you still want to do that I'm all here for it."
It feels like a relief that he doesn't care about my orientation but I'm still not all sold on the sex thing. "I- I don't know…I'm sorry."
He leans over to me and puts his hands on mine.
"If I'm doing anything you don't like, please tell me." He has a serious look in his eyes but his beautiful face just inches away from mine is really distracting. His hands warm mine up and it feels somewhat comforting.
I shift a little and then blurt out what I've been thinking the entire time. "I'm not sure about this but I don't want to have wasted your time…I kinda feel obligated to let you…do it now."
For a second there's silence, then he grabs my hands a little more firmly.
"First of all, I don't want to do anything to you, I want to have sex with you. And you don't waste my time by being honest with me, I didn't have any plans for tonight anyways and it's fine if I just go home and jerk off."
I look into his light eyes and think about how unfair it is that I get the hottest, most understanding guy after one day of online dating, when some people have shitty experiences for years upon years of it. Then I stroke the back of his hands with my thumbs and he smiles. His smile makes me forget about the movie and even about Connor for a second. Then I pull him into a hug.
He wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close. It feels weird to let a guy do that, I'm much taller than Connor so he would usually hold onto my shoulders. But it doesn't feel bad. It has its charm to just let go and be held, letting somebody else be in charge for once.
"I would never do anything you're not comfortable with." He adds and I squeeze him tightly.
"Thank you." I whisper into his shoulder and feel his hands stroke my back with comfortable pleasure.
The hug goes on for much longer than a hug should. I let my fingertips swirl over his shoulders and the back of his neck. As my skin touches his I can hear his breath get heavier. He likes this. Somehow it really turns me on to know I can make a guy like this horny.
My cock twitches and his hands grab my shirt a little rougher now. Then he seperates a little from me, just enough to look me in the eyes one more time, getting the affirmation that he needs to kiss me.
And he does it. His kisses are much softer than Connor's, and his cologne smells totally different, a little bit minty and fresh. Looking up to kiss somebody is new for me and I lean against him to have more stability. He holds me in his strong arms and continues to stroke my back while his kisses get more passionate and demanding.
Then he suddenly seperates from me again, just to continue to kiss me on my neck. I inhale sharply and my cock throbs as his lips brush up against my most sensitive spots and I feel him smile at my reactions. Then his hands wander under my shirt and a rush of lust jolts through me as he firmly feels up every inch of my body with his big hands.
I give myself to him completely and melt under his touch. I never knew how exciting it could be to be more submissive, to let somebody else take control. His fingertips wander over my back, then my sides, feeling up my hips and then my ass. I wince a little as he grabs it, I'm not used to this sensation.
"Is this okay?" He whispers and his breath hits my neck. I shiver in the intense situation and my words refuse to come out. I nod hectically and he squeezes my cheeks, before he pulls me onto his lap. I immediately feel his hard cock beneath me as he grinds it against me and I revel in the sensation of having somebody lust for me like this. I lay my head down on his shoulder and get an idea as my gaze falls on his chest.
Slowly I unbutton his shirt and reveal more of his flawless skin underneath. I feel his body under my fingertips, letting my hands wander over his broad chest and his defined abs. His muscles are not huge but definetely well trained. He groans as I hook my thumbs into his waistband and look up at him.
He wants me so bad, I can tell. His dick throbs underneath me as I open up his pants and trace my thumbs down his V-line.
He slides his hands under my shirt again and pulls it up, making me take it off. As I do so, he looks me up and down and I'm suddenly a little scared that he might judge me.
"What?" I aks in a shy tone.
"You're so hot, I'm so lucky that I get to be your first." He says and takes his pants off.
I blush again. This situation is making me all fuzzy in the head, grinding with this hot guy and having him tell me how good I look. I can only hope this is not a dream.
Underneath his pants he's wearing tight black briefs that stretch over his huge, twitching bulge. I swallow hard. Is that thing really supposed to go inside of me? Maybe I still want to change my mind.
I follow his lead and take off my joggers as well. As soon as I throw it on the floor he pushes me gently and pins me down by my shoulders. I look up at him surprised, but feel myself get even harder at the reception of this dominance. His gorgeous body is towering over me and I look down on it, to the last piece of clothing seperating us.
Carefully I reach out and grab his package. For the first time he makes a sound, a soft moan that feels like the best reward ever. Then he closes his eyes and leans down to kiss me again. I massage his bulge over his briefs and feel him rock his hips in passion. Then, while we're still kissing, he grabs my wrist and gently guides my hand into his underpants.
I hold my breath for a second as I feel up his hot, pulsing boner, but I get used to it rather quickly. I pull down his briefs and his erection springs free, dripping a few drops of precum onto me. My own dick throbs at this feeling and I close my hand around his hard cock. He's not overly thick, but long and has a little curve upwards.
As I start stroking it he moans into our kiss again and shivers a little. Then he starts massaging my package as well and it's my turn to moan. It's uncontrolled and high pitched but he seems to like it. He leans up and takes off my briefs.
I spread my legs for him. I don't know why I do it, but somehow I'm really turned on by offering my helpless, naked body to him. I look like a whore right now, and I want to be. I want to be his bitch.
He smiles at me and leans down to suck my dick. He's more energetic than Connor and picks up a pace much faster, but he uses less tongue. Then he switches to a handjob and I look down on him, wondering why he stopped, before I suddenly feel his tongue licking my hole.
I gasp sharply and my dick twitches as his tongue pleasures the skin around my virgin hole. A loud moan escapes my mouth and I release so much precum it could fill a lube bottle. All the concerns about letting another man handle my ass are washed away for a second.
His tongue teases my hole for a while, before it penetrates me and he starts rimming me with passion. That feels so good paired with his skillful handjob that I throw back my head so hard it hits the hard part of the armrest.
"Ow…fuck." I exclaim in a mixture of pain and lust. He chuckles and comes back up to me. Then he strokes my head.
"You okay?" He says in an amused tone. I nod and pull his body onto mine again.
Our hard cocks grind together and we hold each other so close that we barely want to seperate again. But awaiting the pleasure that is to come we reluctantly do it and Chris fetches some lube that he brought.
As he gently lubes up my hole with two fingers I get nervous again. Very nervous. My cock even gets a little soft from the stress. What if it hurts like hell? And if it's not pleasurable at all? I mean, there's a huge difference between two fingers and a full on dick. A big one too.
He looks at me with a questioning gaze. Then he stops doing the practical work and comes back down to kiss me. His lips are comforting and I love how sensual he is.
"Try to relax." He whispers between to kisses. "I'll be as careful as I can."
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lose myself in the kisses. I can't believe I really let a total stranger do this, but somehow I trust him.
I decide not to open my eyes again and just to enjoy the experience. Then I feel his tip press against my hole. My heartbeat rises, but I try to focus on the kisses and his other hand, softly stroking my cheek to calm me down. Then he slips inside.
I immediately let out an agonized groan as the sharp pain pierces my body. He's genuinely splitting me in half. He leans his forehead against mine to uphold the atmosphere, while he pushes his cock deeper inside of me, inch by inch. As he's almost entirely inside, the pain suddenly eases a little and pleasure comes into the mix. He's hitting the spot perfectly.
I whimper lightly and he smiles, before he thrusts his last inches into me. That gets a loud moan out of me. It still hurts, but it also feels incredible. Like when Connor was fingering me, just ten times more intense. My cock immediately gets rock hard again and starts dripping.
"You feeling alright?" Chris asks with his soft, melodic voice and I just tighten my hole around his cock as an answer. He groans and suddenly his caring attitude is swept away by a rush of lust. "Fuck, you're tight." He moans and pulls out a little, just to thrust in again.
I whimper again and pull my legs up a little more. I look down on myself, my legs spread and a man balls deep in my ass. For a second I wonder what Connor would think if he could see me like this, completely giving my usual self away for this dick. But then I banish him from my thoughts. I won't let him ruin this.
Chris slowly fucks me and watches me leak precum onto myself with a look of deep satisfaction. Everytime he thrusts in all the way a wave of lust washes over me and makes my cock throb. Our gazes meet and I can tell that we're thinking the same thing. He takes my rock hard dick into his hand and starts jerking me off, while he thrusts into me faster.
Immediately I know that I won't be able to do this for long. I watch his cock pound into me more forcefully while he strokes my dick and the pressure feels so intense I feel like I'm going to burst. His cock makes me shake and with a few deep, hard thrusts he pushes me over the edge.
I open my mouth to moan, but no sound comes out. Just a muffled breath escapes my mouth as the orgasm washes over me and consumes my whole body with unparalleled pleasure. I cum all over his hand and my stomach and I feel his dick throbbing inside of me. I desperately try to catch my breath and calm my heartbeat, while my legs still shake uncontrollably. Then he pulls out and starts jerking off, looking me straight in the eyes. The post orgasm satisfaction denies me any shame or doubt and I just watch him cum all over me with pleasure.
He pants and supports himself with one arm by my head, before he leans down to kiss me. It's so endlessly comforting and I think: This is how it's supposed to be. No awkward silence, no trying to cover up what we just did. I enjoy being so intimate with him, even though he's still a stranger.
He helps me clean up and then pulls me into his arms, running his fingers through my hair. I missed aftercare like this.
"Are you okay?" He asks me once again since I haven't said a word since we finished.
"Apart from the fact that you split me in half…yeah." I pant and he laughs.
"That felt amazing." He then adds. "I did it with a few virgins before you but nobody made it as intense as you."
He sounds genuinely satisfied and I can't help but smile.
"Guess I'm lucky you answered." He says.
"Likewise…" I answer, before I hesitantly ask another thing. "I know it's only a few days until Christmas and I get it if you're busy but would you maybe…like to do this again? And maybe we could go for a coffee for real, just…getting to know each other, you know?"
He smiles. "Sounds good."
And it is good. Over the rest of the week we meet up two more times, one time for coffee and once just in the evening because he is busy most of the time. I learn a lot about him, that he is just on grindr for hookups because the PhD is super time intense and he doesn't have time for anything serious, even though he wants it. I tell him a little bit about my issues with Connor and he just listens without judging me. Moreover I start to be happy for the fact that he seems to think that I'm good in bed because I'm definetely not smart enough for him. That's the main thing I can see from our conversations, but he still seems to enjoy them and never looks down on me.
Needless to say the sex is intense and I appreciate my submissive side more and more while I try to come to terms with the thought that I may be bisexual. I'm genuinely grateful to have met such a nice guy online since that's a rare occurance and we promise each other to stay in contact over the holidays.
And then on Friday, one day before Christmas, Connor suddenly texts me and erases Chris from my busy mind. I read the text and am not surprised that he wants to pretend like nothing happened. He's always like this.
"Hey, we're checking out the Christmas market in town, you want to come?"
I don't know, do I?