A very important
detail for those who are reading both My New Personal Assistant and HomHS:

These two books are
happening simultaneously, but in My New Personal Assistant, it is still only
November 2019, while in HomHS, it is March 2020 (you can see this best in Nate's story ch. 1)

RICK

Through the noise of my headphones, I heard knocking. I tried to ignore it.

Nate opened the door, and I didn’t feel like looking at him. I wasn’t furious anymore, just ashamed and hurt. I don’t know if this all is even worth it.

He put the plate in front of me and embraced me from behind. I wordlessly stayed like that until I felt like the silence was killing me.

“You should go, Nate.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“No, I really want her to go, but It’s not like I am in the position to want that. Am I?”

“I don’t want to lose you, Richard. I feel like something inside me will break forever if that happens. But I don’t want you to hurt like this.”

“I know, but right now, I want to hurt someone. You really should leave.”

“Do you want to go boxing?

“I don’t want to hear your chatter.”

He sighed into my neck. It sent goosebumps along my spine, and I just wanted to grab and hold him next to me.

“I need to work anyway. Enjoy your game, Richard.” He gave me a peck on my cheek and left.

I slammed my fist on the table in frustration. I tried to come back to playing, but the satisfaction was gone, and so was my hunger. I picked up my phone.

• Hi, what he said?

“Can we go for a run?”

• You want to go for a run now?

“Is that ok?”

• I ask if Peter will put Sheila to sleep. Usual place?

“Yeah.”

• Will you call Courtney, or should I?

“Doesn’t matter. I can call her.”

• Ok, give me 20 min.

“Sure, see you, Ben.”

I hung up and dialed Courtney. The first thing I heard was a child screaming his lungs out.

• Hi, sorry this is like the worst time.

“Right, sorry, it's fine.” 

The noise went down a bit

• What’s up?

“I just need to go for a run. It’s fine. Ben is coming.”

She was silent for a minute.

• Nate?

“Yeah…”

• Damn. Ok, go with Ben. I will make it work somehow, but I will probably be running late.

“It’s fine, Cor. Just take care of your family.”

• Shut up, Rick, you are family!”

With that, she hung up, and I turned off my computer and changed again.

I don’t know why, but on my way out, I knocked on Nate's door and told him I was going out. He opened his door when I was in the middle of the stairs. I knew he was standing there, but I didn’t want to turn around. I ran to the door, took my shoes, and started the car.

It took me about ten minutes to get here. Back when Courtney and I went together to college, we found this spot while running. It was like our hideout where we used to stop and just breathe while watching everything from above. It was close to the place we used to rent back then, and we felt safe here to discuss anything. When we started to hang out with Ben, it was only a matter of time before we included him in these runs. Nowadays, we run together only when one of us is having real trouble.

It started years back when Courtney was with her ex now, Mary. She was having a hard time because she thought Mary was with her only as a rebound and figured she should break up with her. At that time, we already lived far enough for it to be comfortable to keep running together regularly, and when she was calling me in tears, I just called Ben, and we came for her. We ran here while she spilled everything. Since then, whenever something happened, we met right in this spot and ran together. I think that is why my first thought is to go for a run when something unbearable happens to me.

I sat on a wooden fence and just looked into the darkness and lights of the city below. I felt heavy, and my mind urged me to sleep. To stop everything and just shut down. I felt weak and overwhelmed by everything that went on these past few days. I felt most alive, happy, and fulfilled one day and down at the bottom of a dark pit the next. It was all too much. I didn’t know why I did this to myself. Why do I have such high hopes for something this wrong? Is this how some people feel when they love someone they shouldn’t?

Is this love? Or just the constant struggle makes it so valued in my perception. Like it better has a reason when there are so many difficulties. Do I love the guy, or does the thought that I can't have him make him so desirable?

Fucking feelings. Have I ever been this desperate over someone? I couldn’t remember. Heck! Guys told me they loved me when all I could muster was lust for them. Have they felt like this? This is so stupid! I am 35, damn it. I should have been long after puberty!

Ben is coming. I didn’t know if I should be happy that I could share this madness with someone or be ashamed for being this pathetic.

He stepped down from his jeep and walked towards me. In the darkness of distant street lights, he looked menacing.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

I just looked at him. What in the hell should I tell him?

“Hi.” It was all I could come up with

He just looked at me and sat next to me. “You look like a mess.”

“Thanks; I am glad my appearance matches my mood.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know; I am just freaking out.”

“Right.” He moved a bit and put his hands together

We just sat there, watching the lights of the streets below.

“Ash is home.”

“I figured.”

“She is staying in the room downstairs.”

“Is she positive?”

“No, but she has to because she was abroad.”

“Where?”

I laughed a little, “I honestly don’t even know.”

“Is he going to tell her?”

“No.”

He made a sound more like a wolf's growl than a word.

“He is planning to stay with her?”

“I have no idea. He makes her food and has door picnics with her when he says he is extremely busy at work.”

“Door picnics?”

“He sits on a pillow next to her door and makes her laugh.”

“Fuck.”

“He wants me to try to mend our relationship.”

“Whose?”

“Me and Ash. We have mostly fought since I came.”

“He wants you to have a good relationship with his wife while he fucks you. Classy.”

“Shut up.”

“I don’t like this. He is hot as fuck, but this is not cool.”

“Hi, guys.”

“Hi, Cor.”

“Come on, let's run.”

We stood up and started with light stretches while I said what had happened since yesterday. We started at a light tempo, and Cortney asked how it all started. I told them pretty much everything. I felt I would be telling it for hours, but it took maybe 5 to 10 minutes. Funny how much longer it seemed in my head.

“I need to tell you something.” Cortney started when I finished talking. We both looked at her with interest. She seemed much more reserved than her usual self the whole night Sunday, and I wondered why.

“I know him.”

“You know Nate?” Ben took the words right off my mouth.

“Well, I know of him, to be honest.”

“How?”

“You remember Mary?”

“Your ex?”

“Yeah, that rock climber?”

“Yeah, that one.”

I had a feeling where this would go. Nate used to rock climb.

“She used to date him.”

“How do you know it's him?”

“She had pictures of him in her house, and we had a few fights about it, if you remember.”

“He’s the guy she didn’t get over?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Let her talk, Ben.” I started to get impatient

She stopped to drink and looked somewhere as if she was gathering thoughts.

“I don’t know what I can tell you, to be honest. I find most things I know too private to talk about.”

“For fuck’s sake, I hope you are joking!”

“He is right, Cor, then you shouldn’t even start.”

“Look, guys, if Nate hasn't told Rick, who am I to say it?”

“What is going on?”

“Damn it!” She started running again. We looked at each other with Ben. I was agitated! What the fuck is going on?

“Ok, why did you start then? What can you tell me?”

“I wasn’t sure at the dinner first. But then I checked it; it’s him.”

“Right, so he’s Mary’s ex. And?”

“Look, Rick. I don’t know that man, but from what I heard and saw, he is not a person who would be selfish or someone who would hurt another person on purpose.”

“How much did Mary tell you about him? Plus, it was years ago. People change.”

“Sure. I know. But I kind of root for that man, even if it’s wrong what the two of you doing… If he is serious about you and he is just a little as Mary has told me… I have to say…, I am sorry, but I wish the two of you would work out.”

“Did you miss the part where he is married to his sister Cor?”

“No, I am not saying it's perfect.”

“Perfect? Fuck! Rick is his dirty secret, and he has him living in the house while keeping them both.”

“Ben, stop.”

“He is right, Cor. I am getting crazy there. Today I watched them, he has work that would keep him up all night for weeks, and he sits on a pillow in front of her door and cheers her up. It made me sick. I hated that.”

“I understand why you feel like that, but has it occurred to you that he is considerate of people he cares for? She spent two weeks in a single room because of this pandemic, and now she must spend another fourteen days stuck in a single room all alone. Why do you think in prison is punishment being in a solitary cell? People get crazy staring into the same walls with no one to talk to. And who will make her food? She? Of course, he takes care of her. He loves her. He married her.”

“Exactly, he does. And what does that make me?”

“You know, I don’t think he planned this. If what you said is true, he struggled with that decision himself. It’s not just your life that got fucked up, Rick. It’s his most of all. And Ashleys. If this goes the way it seems, she will be hurt the most. And maybe I am biased, but I think that is what Nate is considering. To find a way to hurt her the least.”

“Why do you root for that guy this much?”

“I have my faith in him.”

“Why?”

“Ben, I will tell you when Nate tells Rick, and Rick will decide to tell you.”

“Fuck you, Cor! What is he supposed to do? Sit there and try to bond with Ash before she finds out he is shagging her husband?”

“Fuck you too, Ben. I have my reasons!”

“Stop both of you!”

“Cor, you cannot know if he is the same person Mary was with all those years back.”

“He is the same person; I checked it.”

“No, I meant he could have changed.”

“Some things don’t change. I would indeed have thought better of him, but I was thinking about it a lot, and many things make sense with him being gay. I am pretty sure he didn’t know that himself, did he?”

“Probably not.”

“Then what is wrong with marrying someone he liked and felt happy with?”

“She is my sister Cor.”

“Yes, she is, but now when he found out he likes men, what can he do? Just go and destroy the person he cares for when she returns from a trip where she spent weeks alone?”

“But Rick said Nate isn’t going to tell her yet.”

“I hope 'yet' is an important word in this.”

“I don’t know how long I will be able to take it. Plus, I have known him for a very short time. Obviously, I don’t even know something significant about him. Why should I invest myself this much in him?”

“Play this game with someone else, Rick. Please. You let him drive your car! You could have proposed to him then, which would surprise me less!”

“I must agree with her on this, Rick. You are bloody deep, mate.”

“Sure, but who knows if it will last?”

“No one.” She shrugged her shoulders, “Look, we can both play angel and demon on your shoulders for as long as you want, but in the end, you will be the one who needs to make a decision. Either leave or stop worrying and enjoy the high.”

“Cor’s right Rick. Still, I worry this will end up with all of you damaged.”

“What a great help you are.”

“What do you want, Rick?”

“Right now? Peace and quiet.”

“Then leave. Peter and I told you already you can stay at our place. If you and Nate work out, he can meet you somewhere other than his house.”

“Thanks. I will think about it.”

“Cor, is Brian ok? Isn’t Dora upset that you left?” I needed to change the topic. It was too much.

“No, she sent me here. I think we both need some time for ourselves.”

“Trust me, you do. Kids will eat you alive. They are amazing, but soon you realize you don’t do anything you used to like anymore.”

“Exactly! I feel like I only work, change diapers and feed that guy, and carry him around. I am glad when we can shower and change from pajamas! I practically miss going to work!”

“Tell me about it!”

They started to rant about parentship and working from home. Honestly, it was refreshing to hear and talk about something other than my problems, even though this conversation just made me feel old. We used to talk about the gym, school, work, lovers, cars, sports, and events. We had so many things to discuss, and now we spend hours talking about relationships and kids. I miss my life before this pandemic!

It was close to midnight when I returned. I went into the shower and thought about Nate. I don’t know what I want, do I…

Nate knocked on the door and stepped in.

“I heard you came back. Can I come in?”

The corners of my mouth raised in a weird reflex, and I had to smile seeing him. I opened the screen and pulled him into the shower. He smiled, even though he seemed a bit unsure but stepped in, embracing me. Finally, my mind calmed down, and warm bliss covered my dark thoughts. I held him close, just feeling him next to me. Watching his eyes look at my naked body and then look at me. I kissed him at last. I was home. I was happy; I was calm. Maybe I have only those few minutes and hours of peace. Perhaps I am crazy; maybe nothing matters now. I just need to feel good, even if it’s only for these short moments.

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